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09:16 pm
6/24/09

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rainy_janie
(no subject)
you are my sweetest downfall
i loved you first
i loved you first
* * *
08:00 pm
12/9/08

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rainy_janie
(no subject)
i miss miranda & marissa.



i don't want them to ever think they aren't still my best fucking friends because they are.
i love you guys.
I'm sorry I'm a shitty friend.
 
* * *
12:07 pm
9/7/08

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rainy_janie
(no subject)
 I havent written in so long it's sad
I have a completely different life in Kettering.
I go to school ( haven't skipped yet, not planning on it)
I drink and smoke way more than I did before.
I actually hit on people, which is funny if you've met me and my shyness at all.
I've made too many new friends to name.
Been to too many parties to count.
Spent too many dollars I don't have.
I got to see my Drew Patrick which was amazing<3
and I can hang out with him a lot more
I miss poodle and miranda, and even sara and
no one will ever take their place: whether they believe me or not.
They're my best friends for a reason.
I haven't talked to Jacob since.....I don't know.
I called him a few days after I left jokingly asking if he missed me
because he hadn't talked to me at all since I left.
He told me I'd only been gone a week and he hadn't forgotten about me yet.
That 'yet' really hit me hard.
I asked if he could atleast text me or call me sometimes to let me know that
he hadn't forgotten I existed. He said "I guess" which hurt even worse.
We hung up and I sat on my new bedroom floor crying for a good ten minutes.
I wiped my eyes got up and went downstairs to talk to Tom. I made a promise to myself
while sitting on the couch that I wouldn't go running after him like i always do, that I'd actually
wait and see if he'd come to me. See if maybe It really is time to let go of hi, and all of our good times.
I haven't texted, called, messaged, commented him or anything since that afternoon. I'm not sure how long
ago that was really. You can just guess if he's talked to me first.... :[

I really miss him you know, there are things that I've done here that make me want to call him up and tell him right away
so we can laugh together. There are times when I'm falling asleep, when I can see that big poster he made me on the back of
my door and I want to instantly call him up and talk until we fall asleep again. There are times when I'm watching movies in my bed
and I think 'remember when we watched this and jacob laughed at that part...' Last night Tom and me made a big bed on the floor
and watched fight club and ate food. It was so fun and I kept laughing at all the parts in fight club that me and jacob used to laugh at.
I just miss him, as stupid as that makes me. I just miss my cupcake. But like I said, I can't do that to myself anymore.
If he still even remembers I exist, he'll come to me......Right?
* * *
03:17 am
8/20/08

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rainy_janie
(no subject)
saturday morning. I'll be out of here.
Saying goodbye has currently been the worst and most stressful thing I've ever done.
Let's hope for the best.
Kettering, here I come.
* * *
01:57 am
8/12/08

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rainy_janie
(no subject)
The feeling is mutal. And it has been for a long time.


Have a nice life.
* * *
02:57 am
8/10/08

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rainy_janie
(no subject)
I'm making it up as we go along. I have had a million things to say, and suddenly they've all vanished at the moment I look him in the eyes. he came over and we read out scribbled notes that have been collected and tucked away inside our note jar.
I'm going to read them again when I go upstairs. They weren't that great, but a good ice breaker.
We sat on my bed awkwardly until enough time had passed that he could get comfortable enough to sob into my every time i die shirt.
Until i could get comfortable to sob right back into his throat. The same place i used to curl up before and the same place he used to plant kisses on me. We talk and cry and remember. We can't go back, and i tell him that. No matter how many times he asks, or wishes, or feels guilty about. This is such a different place than what we'd imagined so many months ago. I lay on his chest and we talk until we hear thunder shaking my windows. We go to his soaked car and sit in uncomfortable leather wet seats while he checks his phone. 19 missed calls from his boyfriend later (yes, I really said 19 missed calls...and 4 voicemails too. I won't begin on how many texts there probably were.) I kiss his head and we exchange promises that most likely won't be kept, and i love yous that most likely aren't heartfelt. Redemption seems distant.
* * *
06:15 pm
8/5/08

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rainy_janie
(no subject)
11 days!
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05:28 pm
8/1/08

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rainy_janie
(no subject)
fuck everything and everyone
i'm moving august 16th and that's all the matters.



i couldn't be happier.
* * *
12:46 pm
7/19/08

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rainy_janie
(no subject)
If i don't get away soon,
I'll tear you apart.
I'll hollow your eyes.
I'll make a mess.
I gotta get out
* * *
06:12 pm
7/15/08

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rainy_janie
(no subject)
Currently? I'm lovely. I'm not 'making moves' on Shane like everyone keeps asking me. I'm not doing anything really. Just hanging out and having a good time and trying to enjoy my summer. Jacob and his boyfriend are on some weird ass 'break' or whatever. It's stupid, 100%. I'm standing by watching his heart break when there's nothing I can do about it. I miss seeing him smile. I miss when he was really happy.

I got naked and swam in a random pool with Jacob and his ex girlfriend last night. It was the first moment of summer when I didn't care about anything or anyone as much as I just loved being there with those two people engulfed in darkness with this huge smile. I could have stood someone to be there to kiss me. Jacob said how cute it would be to have someone there who loved you and cared about you. That'd be more than nice. Eventually, I'll find one of those people right? I keep telling myself that. If i'm going to be in serious debt over this college shit, the least I better get out of it is a good fuck.
* * *
12:28 am
7/8/08

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rainy_janie
(no subject)
you're such an douche bag.
but you're my douche bag.
and I still love every stupid thing about you.
I'm stuck with you, and I refuse to let go.
Who knows if this is really good or bad.
The long run is so far away.
I love you. Let's lay in bed
for the rest of our days and
smoke cigarettes and kiss.
I miss what we used to be.
* * *
02:50 am
7/7/08

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rainy_janie
(no subject)
i won't let you ruin me.
i won't let you ruin us.
i won't let you ruin my summer.
dude. seriously?
 fuck OFF.
* * *
01:00 am
7/6/08

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rainy_janie
(no subject)
I'm so tired of dreaming without falling asleep.

so much good and so much bad.
i was trying to not right in here because I was tired of all the negative stuff I kept writing about
things between me and Jake. Sometimes it's better sometimes it's worse.
Right now I don't know how it is.

But there are so many other good things, like Shane.
He keeps me grounded and smiling and it's funny
because he barley knows me and when I was really upset
at the fireworks he took me away from everyone else and calmed
me down and just made sure I was alright.

Shane is a whole different topic for a different day.
I don't feel like getting into it.

still one question on my mind:
If everyone's always saying how pretty I am, or how amazing. How funny or cute. Random, Silly, and Interesting.

How come no one wants me?

* * *
11:25 pm
6/11/08

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rainy_janie
(no subject)
I'm crying again. I'm crying because I never ever give up. And this time, I should. Everyone in the entire universe thinks I'm an idiot because I haven't given up on your ass. And I'm still fucking gripping your fingers as you slide father and father away from me. I am ALWAYS fucking there for you, I've never stood you up, I've never forgotten to call, I've never chosen someone else over you. And you do that stuff to me all the time. ALL THE TIME. More than i let myself admit. And I don't want to give up all these good memories in my head, and all the good ones I planned on making in the future. But you make me feel like SHIT. YOU ARE SUCH A SHITTY FRIEND. And you know it. A shitty BEST friend. And friends aren't supposed to be like this.

I don't know what to do.
* * *
03:39 pm
6/9/08

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rainy_janie
(no subject)
When you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride
When you need directions then I'll be the guide
For all time.
For all time.
* * *
02:11 pm
6/8/08

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rainy_janie
(no subject)
yesterday i smoked out of a rubber chicken. This is the greatest summer anyone has ever had.
* * *
10:49 pm
6/5/08

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rainy_janie
(no subject)
today me and jacob watched eternal sunshine and ate popsicles and drank monster and redbull. It was so damn hot and i was antsy but I watched the movie. I forget how much I like it sometimes. Then we talked on my bed for a while and It was all so very sad but I didn't cry. I don't know I could cry actually. It seemed like he sat there telling me about how he missed the old things too, and having time to chill and all that stuff, and it was the EXACT same stuff I was crying about a few days prior. But I couldn't cry. And I think it's because I realized that eventually It will be alright. We are so FUCKED up. I've never met another person who has entirely taken over my thoughts, fucked me up, and make me so completly happy all at once. And that person is jacob, and He's my best friend. I love him. I love him probably more than i could ever tell him, and I always just want to shut him up and kiss his forehead and say "even after all the bullshit you pull on me, and how much I hate you, how much shit I can talk about you to my livejournal, how I swear over and over i'll never talk to you again. I will. I will. I will." I have realized, through all this stuff. All these pacts i've made with myself 'don't talk to him untill he talks to you' get me NOWHERE. He's not something I can just throw away that easy, he's a part of me now and you can't just let chucks of yourself disapear. I am ALWAYS going to be there, even through the times when I don't talk to him for weeks at a time, and I swear that I absolutly hate him, the minute he needs me I'm always right there again telling him i'm there to listen. It's just nature now, and it's just right. I'm not sure if this is one of those huge mood swings or not but I just want him to know that nothing can make me give up on him.
* * *
12:59 am
6/4/08

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rainy_janie
(no subject)
Today was Poodle's birthday.  I woke up and went and got her and we went to Walmart to get junkfood or something.
But realized that we could be geting sushi so we got back in the car and drove to Tokyo. When we got there it was closed
for lunch so we went to old navy to shop for a bit. We didn't really find anything so we went back to Tokyo and had lunch.
Then we went to belden to shop for a little bit. I found about 575364545 shirts I wanted in my size at HT but didn't buy any.
Probably for the most part because I'm going to go broke soon until I start working for my uncle. I need to call and find out
when that starts.  Then we came back to Alliance and went to her house where we watched the mole with her mom and brother
and ate pizza. We went to my house and made atleast 45 cupcakes (funfetti and pineapple ones) with pink whipped cream cheese icing. We proceeded to be fat asses and watch youtube videos untill Kacei called. We went and got her and got some subway and talked to the workers about snorting coke and if I could get an extra helping of cocaine on my B.M.T sub. (They said they were fresh out) So we went to family video to find GTA vice city but they were sold out :[ So we got 30 days of night and came back here. We ended up playing crash 2 and tekken until I had to take Kacei home at 12:30 (she wanted to stay to watch the movie but I couldn't take her home at like 2 in the morning. that'd probably be pushing it and I don't want my parents to get mad) So now poodle and I are sitting here she's reading and I'm updating, I'm going to try to write every day...which won't happen but I'm still going to try. To document my summer, you know.  Jess went to bed. She said she was going to be up to talk to me but I IMed her and she didn't write back. So I guess I won't be talking to her tonight. Sucks.
* * *
12:03 am
6/3/08

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rainy_janie
(no subject)

i cleaned my room
i hung out with miranda and sara
i lurked some more kids on the SAA roomate list
i drove to my ex girlfriends house for the second time this week on a whim
she wasn't home again, and i was releaved and sad all at the same time
i went and met carly and justin at handles for ice cream & giggles.
It was good times, and I need to stop being a bitch and hang out with people
before i really go off and leave for college. It's not nature, but something i'll get used to.
I went to applebee's with justin and we spilled our guts over artichoke dip and virgin drinks.
I feel like I have an actual life, which is hilarious.
I really do like talking to justin, he listens to me and i listen to him and it's just really good.
I never feel like I have to hide anything from him, because he ends up knowing it all anyway.
tomorrow is poodle's birthday and instead of buying her a tattoo (seeing how forty dollars isn't
enough to get her something worth getting more than likely) we're going to buy junkfood and
make cupcakes and just have good best friends times, because I love her and I want her birthday
to be special. Also, because I'm a good friend.
Did I tell you I hung out with shane yesterday? Well if I didn't, then Hey guess what? I hung out
with shane yesterday. I drove to minerva where we had DQ bliazzards and played on this playground
and sat at mcdonalds laughing about stupid stuff. It was such a good first offical day of summer [:
And now, my second hasn't been so bad either. This looks like a good start....I hope it stays this way
* * *
12:44 am
6/2/08

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rainy_janie
(no subject)
I graduated today at 2pm and I felt no diffrent except I had a smiled plastered on my face the entire time.
I drive around and actually have gas in my car I listen to my Zen while it's turned up full blast and I check out
possible roomates for the fall. I'm growing up,and though it still hasn't really hit me yet it's coming in little by little.
I want to sort of grab poodle ranna sara and jakey by the arms and tell them I'm going to miss them so much it hurts to even think about it.
But at the same time I want to forget their phone numbers, block them on AIM and delete my myspace. I don't know why I always feel so drasticly diffrent about people or things randomly. They didn't really do anything to me, and I had a REALLY good day today.
It's just that sometimes I feel like I'd rather be completly alone. Which is funny for me since all I ever really wanted was someone to belong to.
I don't know where I stand anymore. 
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