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you are my sweetest downfall
i loved you first
i loved you first
* * *
i miss miranda & marissa.



i don't want them to ever think they aren't still my best fucking friends because they are.
i love you guys.
I'm sorry I'm a shitty friend.
 
* * *
 I havent written in so long it's sad
I have a completely different life in Kettering.
I go to school ( haven't skipped yet, not planning on it)
I drink and smoke way more than I did before.
I actually hit on people, which is funny if you've met me and my shyness at all.
I've made too many new friends to name.
Been to too many parties to count.
Spent too many dollars I don't have.
I got to see my Drew Patrick which was amazing<3
and I can hang out with him a lot more
I miss poodle and miranda, and even sara and
no one will ever take their place: whether they believe me or not.
They're my best friends for a reason.
I haven't talked to Jacob since.....I don't know.
I called him a few days after I left jokingly asking if he missed me
because he hadn't talked to me at all since I left.
He told me I'd only been gone a week and he hadn't forgotten about me yet.
That 'yet' really hit me hard.
I asked if he could atleast text me or call me sometimes to let me know that
he hadn't forgotten I existed. He said "I guess" which hurt even worse.
We hung up and I sat on my new bedroom floor crying for a good ten minutes.
I wiped my eyes got up and went downstairs to talk to Tom. I made a promise to myself
while sitting on the couch that I wouldn't go running after him like i always do, that I'd actually
wait and see if he'd come to me. See if maybe It really is time to let go of hi, and all of our good times.
I haven't texted, called, messaged, commented him or anything since that afternoon. I'm not sure how long
ago that was really. You can just guess if he's talked to me first.... :[

I really miss him you know, there are things that I've done here that make me want to call him up and tell him right away
so we can laugh together. There are times when I'm falling asleep, when I can see that big poster he made me on the back of
my door and I want to instantly call him up and talk until we fall asleep again. There are times when I'm watching movies in my bed
and I think 'remember when we watched this and jacob laughed at that part...' Last night Tom and me made a big bed on the floor
and watched fight club and ate food. It was so fun and I kept laughing at all the parts in fight club that me and jacob used to laugh at.
I just miss him, as stupid as that makes me. I just miss my cupcake. But like I said, I can't do that to myself anymore.
If he still even remembers I exist, he'll come to me......Right?
* * *
saturday morning. I'll be out of here.
Saying goodbye has currently been the worst and most stressful thing I've ever done.
Let's hope for the best.
Kettering, here I come.
* * *
The feeling is mutal. And it has been for a long time.


Have a nice life.
* * *
* * *
I'm making it up as we go along. I have had a million things to say, and suddenly they've all vanished at the moment I look him in the eyes. he came over and we read out scribbled notes that have been collected and tucked away inside our note jar.
I'm going to read them again when I go upstairs. They weren't that great, but a good ice breaker.
We sat on my bed awkwardly until enough time had passed that he could get comfortable enough to sob into my every time i die shirt.
Until i could get comfortable to sob right back into his throat. The same place i used to curl up before and the same place he used to plant kisses on me. We talk and cry and remember. We can't go back, and i tell him that. No matter how many times he asks, or wishes, or feels guilty about. This is such a different place than what we'd imagined so many months ago. I lay on his chest and we talk until we hear thunder shaking my windows. We go to his soaked car and sit in uncomfortable leather wet seats while he checks his phone. 19 missed calls from his boyfriend later (yes, I really said 19 missed calls...and 4 voicemails too. I won't begin on how many texts there probably were.) I kiss his head and we exchange promises that most likely won't be kept, and i love yous that most likely aren't heartfelt. Redemption seems distant.
* * *
* * *
fuck everything and everyone
i'm moving august 16th and that's all the matters.



i couldn't be happier.
* * *
If i don't get away soon,
I'll tear you apart.
I'll hollow your eyes.
I'll make a mess.
I gotta get out
* * *
Currently? I'm lovely. I'm not 'making moves' on Shane like everyone keeps asking me. I'm not doing anything really. Just hanging out and having a good time and trying to enjoy my summer. Jacob and his boyfriend are on some weird ass 'break' or whatever. It's stupid, 100%. I'm standing by watching his heart break when there's nothing I can do about it. I miss seeing him smile. I miss when he was really happy.

I got naked and swam in a random pool with Jacob and his ex girlfriend last night. It was the first moment of summer when I didn't care about anything or anyone as much as I just loved being there with those two people engulfed in darkness with this huge smile. I could have stood someone to be there to kiss me. Jacob said how cute it would be to have someone there who loved you and cared about you. That'd be more than nice. Eventually, I'll find one of those people right? I keep telling myself that. If i'm going to be in serious debt over this college shit, the least I better get out of it is a good fuck.
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